Top 10 NEW Rules For “The Cookout” (2024)

There’s great historical significance and rich cultural backstory for how the simple act of eating outdoors, colloquially called “The Cookout” became a quorum for Blackness in the US.

Wanna know more? Cool, google it.

An invitation to The Cookout equals instant validation into Black society. Representing more than just casual acceptance, an invite to The Cookout is an unstated baptism into Blackness; the culinary equivalent of being handed a Black Card. To attend The Cookout means being welcomed into the Inner Sanctum, a LITERAL safe place we created for ourselves where we can connect, argue, argue MORE, play games, peaco*ck, and most of all, bond over f*cking delicious food.

Sadly, over the years, well meaning but ig’nant motherf*ckers have significantly devalued the gravitas of receiving an invite to The Cookout by reducing pre-qualifying factors. The desire to impress, be accepted by, or reward well meaning non-melaninated folx has resulted in the watering down of this sacrosanct event, with invites being handed out for basic decency, doing the least, meaningless acts such as “not using the N word while singing rap lyrics” and other acts of performative anti-racism.

Do you want raisins in your potato salad? Because THAT’S how you get raisins in your potato salad.

In an effort to restore the dignity and seriousness of an invite to The Cookout, all previous passes are hereby rescinded. Henceforth, the following rules and qualifications shall apply. Failure to observe or abide by said rules will result in disfellowship, ridicule, and disdain.

PRE-QUALIFIERS:
1. If you haven’t read any Black authors (NOT including “Between The World And Me) within the past 12 calendar months, just don’t come. Allowances are made for Black podcasts, at a rate of 5 podcasts per actual book you PAID FOR.

2. If the only Black person you know and regularly associate with is the person who invited you, politely decline. Whoever invited you is likely on the verge of being disfellowshipped themselves, and you’re about to BOTH be embarrassed.

3. If you take offense at being referred to as “white” please don’t show up. It means you still see yourself as a default, while everyone else is something other.

4. If your Black friend(s) have never discussed Black issues (white supremacy, decolonization, reparations, Prince v. Michael Jackson) in front of you, DON’T COME. It means they have been code-switching in your presence, which means you aren’t truly trusted. No one at The Cookout is going to give one flaming goddamn about your discomfort.

5. If you’re “nice” to Black people but aren’t actively doing anything to undo centuries of systemic violence and oppression, seriously, don’t come. First do the work, then you can enjoy the fellowship and fried chicken.

IF IT’S YOUR FIRST TIME AT THE COOKOUT:
6. Don’t show up empty handed. This is not an invite for you to bring food; it’s a chance to ASK how you can contribute. Paper plates, napkins, and disposable flatware are among the items that will be appreciated, but the most important thing is to show the humility to ASK. In a worst case scenario where no one has told you what to bring, bring ice.

7. Say hello to EVERYONE in descending order of age the MOMENT you arrive. An old Black person at The Cookout has seen some sh*t, and managed to survive. Before you even THINK of making yourself a plate, show some respect to The Elders. Introduce yourself, state who you are a guest of, and listen to that person talk for as long as they feel like talking.

8. Do NOT insert yourselves into conversations OR board games. Again this is an historically SAFE space we created for ourselves. We will be full of liquor, BBQ, and OPINIONS. Listen, nod, and if someone asks you what you think, resist the urge to opine with your own diatribe. This is a chance to learn, but mostly, a chance to demonstrate you are a safe person to have uncomfortable conversations around (note: the Blacks will be entirely comfortable, the discomfort will be your own).

9. Have whoever invited you discuss basic etiquette beforehand. This includes what time to show up (between 90 minutes and 2 hours after the stated invite time), when to leave (before you’ve outstayed your welcome), how to avoid problematic relatives (Uncle Rupert can’t handle his alcohol, Cousin DD is handsy, and Auntie B is going to grill you like an FBI forensic, so politely disengage), when and IF it’s okay to make a take-home plate, IF you should dance (no), WHY you should stay the hell away from the grill, and other matters of delicacy. You are an ambassador but without diplomatic immunity. Missteps in Cookout decorum will result in censure.

And LAST and MOST IMPORTANT:
10. Any invite to The Cookout is a ONE TIME INVITE. There are no season passes, no lifetime passes. The nature of racism in this country is pervasive and constantly evolving, so what got you a Black card yesterday may be invalid today. Commit to continually stepping up your anti-racism game, earn the trust of Black folx knowing you are never entitled to it, and you will be rewarded with joy and laughter and 24 hour smoked brisket.

Failure to comply will get you Stacy Dash-ed.