Most of us who frequent the Twitter/X platform know of the rising phenom, Three Year Letterman.
The man is a Youth Football Coaching Legend, Die-hard Georgia Fan, Three-Year High School Football Letterman, Showstopping Little League Umpire, and Region Champion (3-way tie).
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DISCLAIMER: Some claim that the Three Year Letterman account is an obvious parody account, he's not actually a coaching legend, he doesn't believe Benjamin Franklin was President, his Uncle Gary only eats at Denny's, he financed his waterbed like everyone else, and he never lettered in shhhhtuff. One of the primary goals of the account, they say, is to dupe people who take themselves so seriously that they miss the obvious joke, creating endless entertainment for the people of Twitter/X.
We, of course, don't believe any of that and President Franklin would roll over in his grave at such slander, but the Waterbed cartel carries a lot of sway with our advertisers, hence the disclaimer.
Many people are saying my last week on Twitter has been the greatest week in the history of this app. Let’s take a trip down memory lane. A 🧵
— Three Year Letterman (@3YearLetterman) April 20, 2024
Coach, as his fans call him, had quite the week spreading his vast coaching knowledge across cyberspace, often to individuals who were unappreciative of his genius and the legal perspective only a licensed notary public can provide.
Is the Three Year Letterman a conservative? A liberal? Nobody cares at the local Beef O’Brady’s.
All that matters is that Coach dutifully appears, every day, in the replies of people who were given way too much water at football practice when they were young.
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This week was no different, except he put in an effort that was worthy of a free weekend pass to Splash Country at Dollywood in Pigeon Forge.
That's saying a lot, considering, he singlehandedly destroyed the Supreme Leader of Iran last week (no, seriously).
1. My first exchange was with @KariLake and her campaign account. I ended her Senate bid in a single night: pic.twitter.com/91xyESFmor
— Three Year Letterman (@3YearLetterman) April 20, 2024
The week began with a contentious exchange with Kair Lake's 'War Room'.
Remember, the point is not whether you like these people or not, it's whether they're so deeply entrenched in their bubble that they fail to recognize that the Three Year Letterman is a p … … purveyor of unparalleled historical knowledge and expert in matters of the U.S. Constitution, much like its author, Ben Franklin.
2. Next up was my good friend @catturd2. Very, very sad pic.twitter.com/FNHgyVBiKy
— Three Year Letterman (@3YearLetterman) April 20, 2024
He then turned to the conservative powerhouse account, Catturd™, whose real identity is shrouded in mystery.
Coach has long suspected that the Catturd™ account is actually run by his very own Uncle Gary. He may have gotten a little too close to the truth on this one because Catturd™ was forced to block.
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Imagine, getting blocked by your own uncle on Twitter/X. Nevertheless, the unyielding coach marshaled forward.
3. Then we traveled to the other side of the political spectrum, where we had David Hogg literally threatening to go to law school because he was so triggered by my truth bombs pic.twitter.com/F3K3fHczh1
— Three Year Letterman (@3YearLetterman) April 20, 2024
The next vict … er … recipient of Coach's Constitutional prowess was none other than lefty gun-grabber, David Hogg.
Hogg thought he could challenge the Three Year Letterman on the impeachment clauses in the Declaration of Independence using Constitutional arguments.
Coach literally got him to threaten to go to law school so he could fight better on Twitter/X. LOLOLOL!
4. Then things got very, very strange when @AshleySinclair0, who has 100k followers, thought challenging me was a wise idea pic.twitter.com/moYpe22nVC
— Three Year Letterman (@3YearLetterman) April 20, 2024
Next, he picked a fight with some lady we didn't recognize, but she apparently shows off her … umm … 'trophies' on OnlyFans.
It started when Coach called out the sacrilegious use of the American flag colors on a bikini worn by Tiffany Gomas (the 'those mother****** aren't real plane lady).
Sinclair was quite upset at being challenged and pretended to be wholly unimpressed with Coach's upper-crust station in life (we don't believe her).
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5. You really need to absorb that entire thread https://t.co/nTu7VbvGEM
— Three Year Letterman (@3YearLetterman) April 20, 2024
It really is quite entertaining.
6. Just read this entire thread, including all 1.3k replies and 70+ quote tweets https://t.co/x8YdBuoCZ5
— Three Year Letterman (@3YearLetterman) April 20, 2024
Coach then squirreled up the community organizer social justice crowd by going to bat for Madison Cawthorne, who was involved in a car accident with a Florida State Trooper. He simply explained that the Senator had diplomatic immunity and his HIPPA rights could not be violated.
That was followed by a celebration of President Benjamin Franklin's deathday.
7. I memorialized President Franklin’s death anniversary https://t.co/SoYFKJlzYy
— Three Year Letterman (@3YearLetterman) April 20, 2024
Always the leader, Coach was sure to tag people who might be interested: Dolly Parton, David Hasselhoff, Amanda Bynes, Kate Gosselin, Jiffy Lube, Kmart Fashion, Farrah Abraham, Kevin Federline, and Whitesnake. 💀💀💀
The brilliant run was nearing an end, but not before he mixed it up with Wendy's and Tyler Swift's husband, Jason Kelce.
8. Then we had a thread involving me, Wendy’s, and Tyler Swift’s husband pic.twitter.com/BnRtPsROb2
— Three Year Letterman (@3YearLetterman) April 20, 2024
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Amazing. They don't know who they're messing with. Really, they don't.
9. I reviewed Tyler Swift’s new album https://t.co/XCOPgvE9eK
— Three Year Letterman (@3YearLetterman) April 20, 2024
The grand finale of this whirlwind tour of coaching expertise was a review of Tyler Swift's latest album.
Let's just say the Swifties are not big fans of criticism of their queen, even if it comes from a youth football coaching legend … maybe especially if it comes from a youth football coaching legend.
Keep up the good work, Coach. We hope you and Uncle Gary can patch things up over a box of wings at Hooters.
Until then, we'll all be watching for what comes next.
